Writing

I've never thought of myself as a writer. Can't quite get my mind around the idea that I enjoy writing, but I honestly do. I enjoy watching my ideas take shape on the page. When I'm writing my hand, I love the feeling of the paper on the side ofmy hadn. I can' t stand a pen that doesn't write well or ink that doesn't contrast wit thepage. My words deserve more than that. They deserve the weight of good ink. When I'm typing I lose myself in the somewhat rythmic sound of clicking keys.

My biggest problem when writing is critiquiing my work. If I go back and read it at all I know I'll want to delete or scratch out half of it. I immediately start feeling unworhty of the space. Of course no one will care about what I've written. I'm just a kid with nothing important to say.

I guess most of my desire to write comes from a fear of being forgotten. I'm afraid that if I don't leave someting for them to find, they may just forget I existed. I realize this is a bit unreasonable. People do care about me and will remember me. I remember them. I remember those I shared part of my life with. I'm not really sure i would want people to remember me by what I've written. Most of it eludes to the paoin and yuckiness I've been through. Almost never am I writing out of the simple contentment that rules my daily life. Yep, still breathing. Ahh, a cool breeze. Warm sun on my face through the car window. The dog's fur seems softer than usual. In general I am content. But that' snot what makes it to the page.

All of this makes me hesitant to write. I'm afraid that I'm writing just for some kind of recognition. I realize that recognition as a basis for anything is a set up for disaster. I'm just begging to be let down. No one can be expected to acknowldege me enough to satisfy my selfish nature.

I've found that silence inspires my creativity. As an extrovert,I thrive on communication. Being with others gives me power and vitality. SOmehow this seems to stifle my creativity & writing ability. In order to quiet myself enough to get out all the stuff in my head I have to stop talking. To really be heard, I have to be quiet. Unfortunately, I'm not quiet very often.