A Public Loneliness

As you probably have noticed if you've known me much at all, I'm an extrovert. Just to clear up confusion, being an extrovert means that I pull energy from other people. An extrovert is not necessarily a people person or extremely outgoing, although I am both. Introversion, conversely, means that you derive energy from being alone. (I would suggest finding a Myers Briggs personality profile if you've never done one. It's a great way to learn a little more about the reason you act and react in certain ways.)

My extroversion is fairly strong. If I go very long without being around people I just can't stay awake. I used to work in a cubicle, which many of you likely remember. This was torture for me because I did nothing but sit alone and wait for the phone to ring. While the conditions of the work environment were fairly good I felt like I was being punished for some wrong that I didn't know I had done. No amount of pay can make up for this kind of ill-fitting work environment.

I've recently been quite aware of a loneliness to which I am prone. I have spent the last week at Urbana 09 with 16,000+ people. I've been in very large crowds and yet somehow have felt completely alone. While sitting next to my dear friend, Brea, one night I turned to her and said, “I need to have an exciting conversation with someone I barely know.” She laughed a little but knew exactly what I was talking about. You would think that being surrounded by 16,000+ people would be enough to keep any extrovert awake for days, but it simply wasn't enough. I realized that it wasn't just that I needed to be around people but that I needed to connect. I suddenly understood the connection this had with dating. My desire to date and flirt is a product of this public loneliness.

So I've now identified the issue. Beyond just presence with others, I need a connection with another in order to feel satisfied. Once again, it seems like it would be an easy thing to find among Christians, but it may be that Christians are harder to connect with that non-Christians. (I'll go more into this at a later date.) I'm really not sure why this is true sometimes and not other times, but it appears to be a reality. There are definitely times in my life when just being near someone satisfies my extroversion.

Once one has identified an issue the next logical step is to find a solution. (Many of you know my preference for being logical and have most likely chuckled a bit at this statement. Now that you have returned, I'll continue...) My problem has now become apparent. I have no clue what the solution is to this one. Obviously the ideal solution is to find someone with whom to have a conversation. Easier said than done my friends, as I'm sure you are aware. I know people who have no problems striking up conversation with anyone and everyone (anybody just get an image of Peter Gill in their heads? Yeah, me too.) While I'm definitely not ashamed to have conversations with strangers my fear of rejection hinders me. I don't want to impose myself on people who likely have much more important things to do that talk to me.

Your turn. Please share with me your experiences and suggestions. This is a concept you may see repeated in this blog as I continue to understand myself and my relationship to others.

Urbana 09

Urbana 09 has, thus far, been a unique experience. I was a delegate at Urbana 03, the last one in Champaign, IL. At this Urbana I am a steward working with the Intervarsity Press Accounting team. I basically have been sitting in a guarded room counting the money from the bookstore sales. I'm glad to have the opportunity to serve such an amazing convention, but somewhat sad to not have the experience I know the students are having.

Urbana is a life-changing week of challenging speakers and stretching seminars. The students (delegates) go to manuscripts studies in the morning, Bible exposition late morning, seminars early afternoon, and plenary sessions in the evenings. In the midst of all this they are in family groups to discuss their experiences and have conversations with peers and staff who care about their growth during the week. There are also hundreds of missionary organizations and schools with booths available to help the students explore the possibilities. Truly an amazing experience.

My wonderful friend, Brea, has accompanied me this week to work along side me counting money. I've learned that she has an awesome speed to count money. Apart from counting loads of cash, I've been blessed with the opportunity to meet the wonderful people of Avant Ministries, the mission organization through which Brea will be sent to Italy next summer. These people have a passion for God and short-cycle church planting around the world. They have been good counsel, hearty laughs and wonderful encouragement. They have also brought some very full stomachs. Sunday night we had an Afghan meal and tonight we had Mediterranean.

The Scripture focus for this week has been John 1-4 with the catch phrase coming from the first chapter, "The Word became flesh." They have talked about the ways that Jesus has moved into our neighborhoods and what it means for us to serve incarnationally. Monday morning we studied the story of Jesus meeting Nathanael and reminding him that He has known him before this time.

My faith has seemed very dry for the past few months. Even when I have attempted to meet with God I have felt that He has been purposefully silent. I have struggled with questions that have shaken my faith and have at times worried that my questions would effect my salvation. I have been reminded by wonderful friends that God is not intimidated by my fears and concerns and that He is present even through the droughts.

My prayer Monday night was that God would acknowledge and remind me that he has seen me and known me. I chose to sit under the "fig tree" by coming to Urbana and attempting to meet with God. God was gracious to answer my prayer. Through a variety of amazing conversations my passion has been restored. (More on this in the next post.) While my questions remain and my soul still feels dry, I know that God is present in my quest and has been near.

Thanks be to God.