Thursday, June 12, 2008

Openness and Brokenness

I was really moved by THIS blog today. It's about the threshing floor. Written by a woman who says that her family is in the middle of a winnowing, I was really touched by her honesty and openness about the pain. I was also very inspired by her response to the pain.

Going through the divorce has taught me so many things. Right now, I feel like God is teaching me the importance of community. The Bible talks a lot about "one other" and what we are supposed to do in those relationships. "Love one another" "Care for one another" "bear with one another" "be kind and compassionate to one another" The list could go on for quite some time. The New Testament, especially, is full of these commands. Evidently community was pretty important back then.

One of the biggest blessings I've had since the divorce is my DivorceCare group. This has been a place of so much healing. DivorceCare is a 13 weeks study. Each session begins with a video that talks about the topic for the week. After the video and a short break, the group divides into smaller groups for discussion. Facilitated by a veteran DivorceCare leader, we talk mainly about the topic for the evening and in general get to know one another. During the week there is homework to do in the workbook.

Our 13 weeks ended just before the summer and we decided to continue meeting. We still meet at the same time, in the same location, but now we don't have a video and just have one of our members as a "leader." This group has really started opening up to one another. We have been brutally honest with each other. We are able to share our stuff and really bear one another's burdens. It has been such a blessing to be with other people going through the same stuff. Each person has a unique story with unique heartache, but we have common pain.

I am really feeling God telling me that this is what He intended for us. He wanted us to be in this kind of honest community with each other.

I think that we are near one other quite a bit, without being a part of one another. We go to church but never investigate people's lives. We go to Bible study but we never go into the struggles we share. We get to know one another but are never truly known.

After sharing honestly about my loneliness one night at DivorceCare, one of the other members told me that she was shocked that I was dealing with that kind of pain. She acknowledged feeling the same kind of loneliness, but was surprised because I always seem so bubbly and happy. I told her, "I'm really good at putting on masks." I've always worn masks. I find that they are much easier that showing the real self. Most people don't really care for the real self. They want the Reader's Digest version. Just give me the highlights.

In my group we are working really hard to allow people to stay in their brokeness, rather than trying to fix it with cliches. We decided that rather than trying to tell people that everything would be okay, we would just let them express their emotions. We try to let people work through the things they are dealing with rather than stopping them just because we feel uncomfortable. I think that this is possible because we are all feeling the same kind of pain. We aren't uncomfortable with someone else's pain because it's the same pain we are feeling.

It reminds me a bit of Job's friends. Job 2:13 "Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No on said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." What a beautiful picture of grief sharing. The just sat with him. Not saying a word. This is not a perfect example because when they did open their mouths, their feet got stuck inside.

I hope that we can continue to strive for honest, real relationship with one another. It's time to open up and stop pretending that we don't hurt. We are to bear one another's burdens as our own. It's time for us to shut our mouths and sit in grief with our friends.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Pictures of the flood

Check out this photo album to see the flood.

Hundred Year Flood

Today I survived an historical event. The city of Franklin was flooded worse than it has flooded in over 100 years. The rain started last night and didn't stop until late this morning. The waters rose and kept rising. I went outside for the first time at about 11AM to find that Jefferson St through downtown Franklin was flooded about a block from my house. A little later, about 1PM, I walked down Edwards St to find that it was starting to flood.

It was definately an interesting daay. I watched neighbors helping neighbors. I watched peoples lives being swept away by rising water. I watched a scene I never thought I'd see.

If you watched the news at all today I'm sure that you saw it. They said it reminded them of the scenes after Hurricane Katrina.

I was very lucky. The waters crested about a half block from my house in 2 directions. Johnson county was placed under a state of emergency. People were instructed to stay in their homes. People had to be rescued by canoe and some refused to leave.

Later in the evening my family came into town. They had to take my sister's friend home who spent the night with them last night. They picked me up and took me to dinner for my birthday.
(Side note: They took me to Mi Pueblo, my favorite Mexican restaurant. They sang some kind of Spanish Happy Birthday song to me and smashed whipped cream in my face. Quite fun. Great meal!)

When they were trying to take me home the police stopped us and said they weren't allowed to let anyone in. They finally gave in when we told them that my road was clear and that I had to get home. My neighbors told me that earlier in the day they were checking IDs to be sure that only people who lived here could get in.

Pretty crazy day, but I made it through. I'm sure the clean up will be a long process. Please pray for these people as they get their homes and lives back. Some had flood insurance, others didn't. Those who did face steep deductibles before they can start receiving money. It will be a long road. Thanks for your concern!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Be Magnified

Verses 1
I have made You
Too small in my eyes
O Lord forgive me
And I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me

Pre Chorus
But now O Lord I see my wrong
Heal my heart
And show Yourself strong
And in my eyes with my song
O Lord be magnified
O Lord be magnified

Chorus
Be magnified O Lord
You are highly exalted
And there's nothing
You can't do
O Lord my eyes are on You
Be magnified
O Lord be magnified

Verses 2
I have leaned on
The wisdom of men
O Lord forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy

If Life weren't in the way...

One more Jeff challenge. What would it look like if life weren't in the way? What do I look like there? What do I need to do to be ready for that?

Ultimately, I know that I'm not living up to my potential. I know that there is more for me. (At least I darn well hope there is.) I know that the things I've been through have prepared me for more than scraping by in a big empty house staring at my dog. Through all of the pains in my life, and there have been plenty, I have felt secure knowing that God was preparing me for something greater. As I was going through the divorce I felt confident that God was telling me that He was gathering my tears, not only to was me, but others. I'm willing to cry if it means someone else doesn't have to.

So the question now is, what's next? If there's something more than this, how do I get to it? What does it look like? How will I know when I've gotten there? Good questions are the beginning of knowledge. Are these questions good enough?

I know that I am striving for real relationships. I've been experiencing them occasionally. When I feel it I start to get a silly little grin on my face because I feel so loved. I'm finding that this is the longing of most people in my age range. We want to be known. We want to talk about important things. We want to be challenged by the same people we laugh with. We love to be challenged by pastors and teachers, but we want to be challenged in real life. We want to think big things and say crazy things. We want a place where we are comfortable saying what's on our hearts. We want a place where taking prayer requests is more than talking about someone's great aunt twice removed with the sore toe. I'm a very relational person. More so than others. I've got to be in community to feel healthy.

I know that I love walking beside people who are changing. I love being with college kids when they hear a professor say something outrageous. I love being there when their roommate lets them down again. I love being there when they have just seen "her" at a party. Gasp. I love saying the things that make them squirm. I love being a wave of change in a sea of mediocrity. I miss this.

I know that I want to be used. It was prophecied over me when I was younger that my hands would be large for the work of the Lord. I still have no clue what that means, but I'd like to know. I want to be available. I want to be ready. I want to be bold.

So what will it take to get me ready for these things? How will I know when I'm there? What's the next step?

I haven't a clue.

God Rumblings

It's late. I've got to get up and go to work tomorrow, but I'm still up. Discontent with the way things are and completely unable to change them. Okay, that's a lie. I can change some of it and I can change the way I perceive the rest of it. I'm currently choosing not to change, which according to Jeff is simply unacceptable. At least I'm acknowledging that there is change to be made. I'm on the continuum. (Jeff's favorite phrase.)

Today was the last Sunday morning that I would have to be at church for 4+ hours. I just finished a class called "Foundations Survey" led by Jeff Derico (the aforementioned Jeff). Basically the class was on Spiritual Disciplines. Each week we were given homework for the following week, and discussed our success or failure with the previous week's homework. So I took the class to meet some other people in the church. Being that our church is 4000 people on any given Sunday, I felt that I should know more than the hundred or so that I might chance to encounter. I figured the class would be a good way to be involved with people in different stages of their walk with Christ. I was also drawn to the class because the advertisement promised that I would come out of it with a Spiritual Growth Plan. (And yes, I do have a "bizarre relationship with CAPITALIZATION") The first goal didn't work so hot, but the second did. I was challenged to re-evaluate my spiritual disciplines and made some progress in making them a part of my life.

This has always been an area of struggle for me. I tend to value myself based on achievements anyway, but then churches add on the "expectation" of spiritual discipline. I've always had trouble admitting that I don't have a regular quiet time and don't pray and read the Bible as often as my Sunday School teachers wanted me to. I've always thought that I could "do" Christianity fairly well. But I never really did anything. I just talked a big game.

So once again I was confronted with wanting to do Christianity well. But I was finally able to see past the motivation of making someone happy and know, for sure, that I need to make these things a part of my life so that I can know God better. (Today I learned that I need to work on my relationship with Jesus. Turns out I don't know Him very well.) It was freeing. I was scared to start doing things again for fear of falling back into my routine of doing rather than being and being loved. But I was able to make progress and find some real growth.

But now the class is over. Next Sunday I won't have Jeff reading my expressions all too well. Knowing that my head tilt means that I wasn't successful. I'm not really sure how he does it, but he's usually right. A furrowed brow and he knows 2 pages worth of what that means inside my head. Quite scary. He won't be doing that next Sunday. I'm on my own. The motivation has to come completely from me now. Again, I'm scared. What happens when I don't do well and these things start falling away again? I guess that's where the discipline part comes in.

Next Sunday I go back to 9:30 service and 11:00 class. I'm kind of excited to be able to sleep a little latter on Sunday morning. But I'm also sad to lose this class. It's been very helpful. I would suggest it to anyone, at any stage in their personal growth. Because the goal is to be moving, but first you have to be on the continuum.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Sweetyly Broken

Jeremy Riddle - Sweetly Broken
From the album Sweetly Broken

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

(2x’s)Chorus:

Label: Vineyard Music

Sunday, April 27, 2008

O for grace to trust Him more!

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Refrain
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Refrain

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Refrain

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken, Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition, all I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still mine own.

Let the world despise and leave me, they have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me; Thou art not, like them, untrue.
And while Thou shalt smile upon me, God of wisdom, love and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me, show Thy face and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure! Come, disaster, scorn and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure; with Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee, "Abba, Father"; I have set my heart on Thee:
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather, all must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me, ’twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me; heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me while Thy love is left to me;
Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me, were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation; rise o’er sin, and fear, and care;
Joy to find in every station something still to do or bear:
Think what Spirit dwells within thee; what a Father’s smile is thine;
What a Savior died to win thee, child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

Haste then on from grace to glory, armed by faith, and winged by prayer,
Heaven’s eternal day’s before thee, God’s own hand shall guide thee there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission, swift shall pass thy pilgrim days;
Hope soon change to glad fruition, faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Words:Henry F. Lyte, 1824, re­vised 1833

Happy Easter

I was listening to the radio tonight and heard this song. I have heard it lots of times before, but today it hit me in a completely different way. This song really speaks to the Easter holiday. Our world is in a very dark place. Similar to the darkness the world experienced when Christ was crucified. Darkness that consumed the earth. The sun was darkened. For three days the earth mourned. The followers of Jesus were mourning the death of the one they thought had come to bring a new kingdom. They mourned the hope they had held on to. They mourned the death of a friend. Hope seemed lost.
And then came Sunday! Jesus conquered death. He broke the seal of his tomb, rolled away the stone, and walked among us. HE AROSE! Hope returned. He came back to life to bring healing and restoration.
Jesus is the Resurrection Hope! Happy Easter!
Tree63 – SundayFrom the album – Sunday
Nothing’s sacred, the days are cheap
Truth is thin on the ground
Still our prophets are crucified
Nobody believes we’re stumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming

Someone’s saying a prayer tonight
For hungry mouths to be filled
Someone kneels in the dark somewhere
And darkness is already crumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday comes

(Chorus)
Sunday – Hallelujah – it’s not so far, it’s not so far away
Sunday – Hallelujah – it’s not so far, it’s not so far away

Broken promises, weary hearts
But one promise remains:
Crucified, he will come again
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming
It’s Friday, but Sunday comes

(Chorus)

Darkness is already crumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming

(Chorus)