God Rumblings

It's late. I've got to get up and go to work tomorrow, but I'm still up. Discontent with the way things are and completely unable to change them. Okay, that's a lie. I can change some of it and I can change the way I perceive the rest of it. I'm currently choosing not to change, which according to Jeff is simply unacceptable. At least I'm acknowledging that there is change to be made. I'm on the continuum. (Jeff's favorite phrase.)

Today was the last Sunday morning that I would have to be at church for 4+ hours. I just finished a class called "Foundations Survey" led by Jeff Derico (the aforementioned Jeff). Basically the class was on Spiritual Disciplines. Each week we were given homework for the following week, and discussed our success or failure with the previous week's homework. So I took the class to meet some other people in the church. Being that our church is 4000 people on any given Sunday, I felt that I should know more than the hundred or so that I might chance to encounter. I figured the class would be a good way to be involved with people in different stages of their walk with Christ. I was also drawn to the class because the advertisement promised that I would come out of it with a Spiritual Growth Plan. (And yes, I do have a "bizarre relationship with CAPITALIZATION") The first goal didn't work so hot, but the second did. I was challenged to re-evaluate my spiritual disciplines and made some progress in making them a part of my life.

This has always been an area of struggle for me. I tend to value myself based on achievements anyway, but then churches add on the "expectation" of spiritual discipline. I've always had trouble admitting that I don't have a regular quiet time and don't pray and read the Bible as often as my Sunday School teachers wanted me to. I've always thought that I could "do" Christianity fairly well. But I never really did anything. I just talked a big game.

So once again I was confronted with wanting to do Christianity well. But I was finally able to see past the motivation of making someone happy and know, for sure, that I need to make these things a part of my life so that I can know God better. (Today I learned that I need to work on my relationship with Jesus. Turns out I don't know Him very well.) It was freeing. I was scared to start doing things again for fear of falling back into my routine of doing rather than being and being loved. But I was able to make progress and find some real growth.

But now the class is over. Next Sunday I won't have Jeff reading my expressions all too well. Knowing that my head tilt means that I wasn't successful. I'm not really sure how he does it, but he's usually right. A furrowed brow and he knows 2 pages worth of what that means inside my head. Quite scary. He won't be doing that next Sunday. I'm on my own. The motivation has to come completely from me now. Again, I'm scared. What happens when I don't do well and these things start falling away again? I guess that's where the discipline part comes in.

Next Sunday I go back to 9:30 service and 11:00 class. I'm kind of excited to be able to sleep a little latter on Sunday morning. But I'm also sad to lose this class. It's been very helpful. I would suggest it to anyone, at any stage in their personal growth. Because the goal is to be moving, but first you have to be on the continuum.